Firmly

In all the things that I do,
I try to stand;
Chin Up
Stomach tucked in
It is as if no wind can blow me down
I stand, I believe
I stand right there, in that spot – Firmly

I voice out what I think of
I spill it all out
I vomit and barf things inside my brains
Digustingly without fear
I say it in the mightiest voice possible
With unfailing grace that I manage to own
I open my mouth and bleed in front of people

It is their choice if they will hear me – Let alone, listen to me
But I am there
With all my presence
Seen or ignored
Heard or unthought of
I just needed to be there
I just need witnesses that yes, I was there

I WAS ALIVE

Going For A Dive

Poet’s note: This is all written on my white board yet again. I found that it is more convenient for me that way. This is still part of my NaPoWriMo posts. So  here it is…

Going For A Dive by Seanne Shoewalker

My handwriting… Yep! I will work on it and I hope it will magically morph into something beautiful after (let’s see) The transcript for a clearer read is below….

Going For A Dive

From all the hues of blues & white;
I am it
Aren’t I?
I am not strong enough

From all the flashing orange & yellow sparks;
There will be no light
Isn’t it?
It is going to be dark forever

I wanted to point out at those aquas & indigos;
Sometimes it is
Yes, of course
Sometimes it is worth living

How many times do I have to see reds?
from my eyes & fist
I am going to still bleed
Aren’t I?

I sometimes wish that I could just see it in gray
No other lies
All pure truth
But impossible, isn’t it?

I hope for white though
I aim for it
White is tempting
But it is hard to reach

Isn’t it?

If a man has an apartment stacked to the ceiling with newspapers we call him crazy. If a woman has a trailer house full of cats we call her nuts. But when people pathologically hoard so much money that they impoverish the entire nation, we put them on the cover of Fortune magazine and pretend they’re role models. ” – unknown

The quote above appeared in front of my screen as I scroll down on my Facebook feed on a Good Friday. And yes, it is something worth reflecting on. See, as of this writing, I only have 400 pesos left in my wallet and I am unemployed. Well, being unemployed is technically my fault but then, that is beside my point.

Having nothing and realizing that you are just worth below the average daily income of a normal person in this country sometimes makes you feel humbled and thankful. Yes, I am technically free-loading and being a stupid parasite in my folks’ home but all these time made me realize things that I am sure I will never realize if I am in one of those regular gigs that my peers curse at this very moment in their mortal existence.

I don’t know.

Disregarding a shirt and a pair of pants that I have managed to own last Christmas, I do not have anything new. I am not going to be a hypocrite about it, I want things. I even think that I need to replace my phone soon. But seeing people my age cashing out on new top-of-the-line things that they need to pay months (or years) for makes me want to rethink life. They do not even have kids yet but here they are spending a lot. Do you really need that stuff? Like REALLY NEED IT ? Because if you are just going to tire your self with a job that you do not really care about and waste your energy on something you are not passionate about. In the end, I think you will not like it.

People push dreams aside these days. I am already seeing artists refuse to draw, writers refuse to word up and brilliant talents go to waste. They say it is ‘practicality’. They say you should be something that this planet needs. Be an accountant! Be an engineer! A doctor! A nurse! Get a job that will pay you real money! Okay… So you have money…

I don’t.

But I can cook!

These past few years, I learned how to cook. I can ace pastas and chicken dishes now. I learned that I can make an apron by hand. I now know that I am extremely neat at times. And most importantly, I learned that people are weird in general. I learned that HR departments are sometimes the most chill places in an entire building and HR personnels are the friendliest in an entire office. I have been interviewed a lot that I think I have memorized all the questions in that psychological test that they all make you answer once they ask you before an interview.

But most of the time, people do not care of the things you know.

What’s in your brain is not that important.

I always tend to doze out once my peers talks about where they work, telling each other how good of a company someone has managed to get into then boasting about the company they are in, weighing on how good the pay is, thinking if they are going to resign or not after being there for six months. They hop from one place to another trying to increase what they will get. Sure, they have money and I don’t but you know what?

Right now, I can truly say right in someone’s face that I am happy. If my life on Earth ends now, I don’t have any regrets. I promise you, I am good to go.

I don’t have money but if the Almighty asks for my life at this very moment, I will gladly hand it over. I will smile and thank Him for all things and all the people that I have managed to meet in my lifetime. It is a good run.

I have come to ponder that people run daily. They even try to outrun each other all the single time. The absurdest thing thing is, people race on milestones! They race like life is a marathon. They race you on finishing college, having that first job, first pay,  getting a love life, marriage, having kids, having a family, keeping that family intact, having a car, having a house, having enough to make you live through retirement. They live like that, in that order. I do not know if this should be your or my life cycle but I see people follow that religiously. I know I also have to save for retirement or what not but really, have you asked your self? What do you want to do?

If you talk to a younger version of you today and ask that him or her What do you want to do? Is his or her answer fits your current job today?

I want to congratulate you if it does.

If not. Well, What do you want to really do? What are your passion in life? What are the things that you will still enjoy even if it does not pay you back?

My last question was the most important one. Yes, you will not gain anything from it at first but I hope it does someday. Fuck practicality! I know  am crazy to believe in things I am not sure of and maybe that is the sole reason why I only have four-hundred pesos in my wallet right now.

But although I only have that meager amount, like what  have said earlier, I will die happy. I believe I lived this life honestly and that is enough.

So, are you happy?

They say money can buy you things.
I do not have that money and I don’t have new things.
So you should be happy.

Besides, you have more in your wallet than mine.

Right?

:)

Ef

Take me into a story
Grab me and  swallow me whole
where planes fights back this moonlight
and stars showers us like bathing under a dark velvety carpet
with spray paint of white spots that hangs above us

I want you to take me
and make me feel smaller
leave me wondering if I am smaller than i wanted to be
or if the universe is just as BIG or bigger as I intend it to be
but please remind me that the i that I am has a dot above, not that it is smaller

Can I wonder and swim through this darkness?
Will you be there to hold me still?
I still want to know if this vastness can still end
if there is point a and point b
I don’t want to stop to wander

As wonderful as it sounds
I also want to breathe the air that you breathe in
I want to take a huge amount of air with you in it
Does that sound a bit cheesy?
I don’t care at all

As I peek out this window
I am always left to wonder
How in miles away we are
But we still stare at this same black void with specks of white freckles
that we both don’t have

As the air hit every reed in sight
You stare away acres upon acres of distance
how funny it is that these clouds will never roll in your sky
But it brings thunders and lighting into mine
signaling that yes, it will rain soon

It looks fantastic in dark background you know?
That’s why I ask you to take me
and leave me in your story
Because in there I feel calm
You are the calm
That never hit me

I miss your dark spaces
I miss the sparks that falls upon me
When I stare deep into your own skies
You are like my sleep
That I avoid but I want to get into
You are a bit dangerous but serene

So take me and sallow me whole night time,
I am not going to resist you
I will let the planes fly high without fighting moonbeams
I will watch as the Lyrids fall upon me
I will breathe in as much as your voids let me

I will let you get into me
I challenge you to take me
then I will blink once
then twice
and thrice
until I am long gone

Poet’s Note: It’s 8:51am here and before anything else, Good Morning~! It’s my 2nd day of NaPoWriMo-ing and I just woke up. Haha! It’s currently the 3rd of April here so, yup, in a sense I am a day late. I just want to check out how everyone’s doing (in case someone do read my posts) Okay. I actually need to figure out Breakfast. So yeah, see you again tomorrow guys~! *Pyong~*

Time Whisperer

Honestly,
I do not know what you are
But you are the tie that holds all the lavenders that I picked
And you are the gravity that pulls it together underneath
Sometimes I even wonder how could you do all those things
You spin and hold me in place;
While the world freezes and life continues all around

Dirt

How would you re-scatter dusts?
Dusts which all builds back to people
Dusts which makes you and the universe around you
Would you even want to free them again?
They are now safe, tucked in your hands, shelved from all the violence of this earth

They once thought me to just be still and be organized
That being firm on things leads you to great things
That being silent and resilient pays off
That listening is a gift
And being defiant is a curse

How could you?

You said you hate dusts
It’s dirty and filthy
You said it makes you breathe uneasy
But it builds you
It builds me
It builds everyone

Reasons To End It

I know why they want to end it;
I understand
I know life is precious
but as you say “He knows how yours is going to end”
Well, judging and telling which was wrong is wrong in itself
I think I know why the next person wants to end it
I am in that situation;
Everything just gets in the way
People
Friends
Family
Even thoughts
They, you, I and even an it gets in the way
Sometimes you just want it to dissolve

Peace;
For once, people like us wants to know how genuine that feels like
What breeze and never being cold, sad, frightened and scared feels like
We miss how those who feel calm feels like
Because even in the most silent moments you feel the extremest of all the extremes
You drown on drought
You dry on rain
You shiver in summer
You sunbathe in winter
It is always low, lower or lowest
And on most nights it is Halloween
-Halloween on steroids
You don’t even see ghosts
You are no psychic
But it creeps
It creeps within your soul

People say we are unhappy
But have you seen us in our most hyperactive moments?
We do feel happy
I feel excited
it’s just…
it will never last
It is there on a second;
The next thing you know,
you are again alone
How not to feel alone?
How not to fall back?

Most of us have gigantic trust issues
Most of us are afraid of people
Most of us are unchanging
Because most of us are hurt
I always try to solve my self
All the things that are ‘wrong’ with me
Trying to consider the ‘right’ state of things
I want to try sometimes
But no ones there
People always want me to take a step back
Life is filled with what ifs
I am always left to wonder

As I lock my self again
I hope someone would try to find me
I wish the world would just shake itself and let me drop from this box I am in
I wonder how many more white spaces needs my words before they think that I am really stuck
I am stuck
I don’t know where to go
I don’t even know what to feel
I just want all of these thoughts to end
I just want you to listen that this is real
People feels like this
And I don’t want you stuck
I want you alive and feel peace for me
Please feel free for me
I want you to feel the breeze that I never come to feel